Love is neither subtraction nor division. Love is addition and multiplication.
Two people meet. (1+1) They enter a loving relationship where they are both happy and blissed, and the sex is great. But after a while (days, months, years), things change.Someone is rejected or has their sexual needs ignored by the other partner.
This rejection causes (mostly subtle) bitterness and resentment. Walls start to go up. Rationalization occurs: “Well, if I were getting my needs met at home, I wouldnʼt need to look (or actually act on [natural] sexual impulses) so thereʼs nothing wrong with it…”
One thing leads to another, and perhaps there is an affair or two, and then there is shame and guilt internalized because society calls this “cheating.”
So what happened? In all probability, the original love is still there, and yet, itʼs tarnished a bit because to honestly communicate breaches all of societyʼs standards.
To speak the truth brings perceived harm to the relationship. Isnʼt it ironic, though, that keeping the lies hidden, and acting them out behind the scenes, is where the real harm is to the relationship? It breaches trust, it breaches honesty, it breaches communication, and because of the bitterness and anger (at not being true to oneʼs self) it breaches respect (self respect and respect for the other relationship party).
So ALL FOUR pillars of a pure form relationship are breached when honesty cannot be a part of a sexual relationship.
Hereʼs the honesty:
“I may not feel like (having sex, or having the type or kind of sex you want), but I love you, and I give you full freedom to pursue love whenever, and wherever you can because I want you to be happy and fulfilled.”
WHOA. Freedom? YES!
But thatʼs “adultery!” Thatʼs “Cheating!”
Whom is it cheating? If the parties to the primary relationship are honest, they love each other. And yet, the innate desire in human sexuality is variety. Society turns this obvious piece off, with guilt, shame, and manipulative words like “bigamy”, “adultery” and “unfaithful”.
And yet, if two consenting adults want to have sex in their own bedroom, thatʼs okay, right? So whatʼs wrong if they both agree that they are free to have sex wherever they feel comfortable pursuing it? Who is harmed?
Is it the “sanctity” (read illusory control) of their relationship that is harmed by such activity? Because control is ALL illusion. Letʼs cut to the chase on this and prove it. Can you control what happens in the next second to the surroundings you are in? NO. You can control a certain amount of your RESPONSE to the surroundings, but you canʼt control if a tree falls, or a car crashes next to you, or a lighting strike close by. Itʼs external. Your response, while displayed externally to a degree, is INTERNAL.
So, externally, there is the influence other peopleʼs opinion that has been programmed into our decision filter. Remove that, and the only thing that is left is ACTUAL harm.
Even the way we feel about “cheating” or “free relationship” is based on external programming.
FACT: If both parties can consent about what happens INSIDE of a bedroom, and be fine about it, then both parties can consent about what happens OUTSIDE of a bedroom and be fine about it.
If itʼs a matter of “safe sex” fears, a condom and agreed upon practices can address that issue. If itʼs a matter of pregnancy fears, this can be addressed and remedied as well.
If itʼs a matter of someone falling in love with someone else, and it ruining the primary relationship, quite frankly, this is bullshit. Either the primary relationship wasnʼt committed to communicate through issues that arise, or there was no chance that it would be long term anyway. The way Iʼve always experienced love, there has never been an end to love. Passion may wane (the attention we give to the love) but the love itself is always there.
And if the passion of a primary relationship is solid, and PURE love is there, then that love allows for more love. When we have more than one child, do we love any of them less? NO. When we have a family reunion, we have the ability to love all of them, correct?
We as humans crave interaction, new excitement, and we have been led to believe that all of this desire can be fulfilled by staying in a monogamous relationship and never looking outside of that wall of “faithfulness.” And within ourselves, we glance in the direction of another, and feel guilt for even being interested, all because of societal programming.
So the choice before us, as a society, and at the least as individuals is, secret prisons or honest freedom
Jay Vincent is a guest poster who is hosting a Sex 3.0 meetup on 12th Dec in the U.S. – Details here. If you would also like to start a Sex 3.0 meetup in your city, please use the contact form and let us know.