Two months ago Croatia held a vote on whether to ban or to allow same sex marriage in Europe’s youngest country.
“Marriage is the only union enabling procreation. This is the key difference between a marriage and other unions,” said Croatia’s Cardinal Josip Bozanic campaigning in favour of the ban at the time and 65% of Croatians agreed with him in the vote.
The result meant that Croatia’s constitution will be amended to actively ban same-sex marriage.
However, the knock-on effect of the central and undoubted truth of Cardinal Josip Bozanic’s comment is now resonating throughout the entire planetary eco-system causing an epidemic of questioning, self-doubt, deep reflection and in many cases deep depression amongst the other 8.7 million species on planet earth.
“Marriage is the only union enabling procreation?! Why the hell didn’t somebody tell me that before!”, complained Mr.Tinkles a 2 year old father of 56 children by 7 different mothers.
Mr.Tinkles staring into space in pensive self-reflection on hearing the news
“This really hit me for six. I had no idea I had been going about fucking all wrong! I just didn’t think I needed anything at all to really ‘enable’ procreation. I mean I figured I had everything I needed already. Boy I really feel stupid now.”
“What the kids must think I have no idea. They probably all hate me now.”
Some of Mr.Tinkle’s bastard children reflecting on the shame of their new found illegitimacy. Reports suggest that they have taken the news poorly.
“They probably think I am some kind of deadbeat dad now for not marrying their 7 mothers. But now that I know the real truth I definitely want to do the right thing and start putting some diamond rings on some paws.”
“Listen, I ain’t no deadbeat but that is a lot of dough though. I just had a tough life that’s all. I mean I was saddled from birth with this stupid fucking name by a 5 year old school-girl. I mean what kinda name is Mr.Tinkles for a self-respecting dude? Plus my parents were never married so they set a bad example then my mom died of myxomatosis when I was real young which hit me really hard and the rest is history I guess.”
“Damn, where am I gonna find the money?”, continued Mr.Tinkles and later admitted that he was contemplating a life of crime.
Other species have also have taken the news badly including house mice who were amongst the first to hear the news due to their proximity with humans.
“But I am too young to be getting married” claimed Pebbles, a 20 week old mother of 11.
Pebbles has been diagnosed with acute stress disorder since hearing the news and has developed a 1,000 yard stare usually associated with post-traumatic stress disorder often seen in combat soldiers
“I mean I knew that you humans got married but I just figured that, as there were 8.7 million different species on the planet and you were the only ones getting married, I figured that you were the ones going about fucking all wrong and not all 8.7 million of us.”
“It just seemed so improbable that all 8.7 million other species on the planet were wrong and you guys were right.”
“God, I feel like such a slut now.”
The news has also been filtering through to Australia…
No freakin’ way!
Benny the koala when asked for his reaction seem more nonplussed than shocked and reacted in typical Ozzie fashion.
“Marriage enables reproduction? I thought the only thing that enabled reproduction was a cock and a cunt. Well you learn something new every day.”
“I always thought marriage was about you guys fearfully shackling yourselves to each other and restricting each other’s options so that men could pass property down their own bloodlines.”
“I thought that these things were all side effects of the agricultural revolution and the invention of the notion of land as property and subsequently of women as sexual property 10,000 years ago.”
“Strewth! Never knew that we needed marriage for reproduction but I am just a stupid koala. I will make sure and tell the kids.”
For this article we also tried to reach the human beings who, for the 98% of human existence prior to the invention of marriage managed to survive and reproduce perfectly well without it, but they were unavailable for comment at this time.
Further Reading : 8 Red Flags That You Might Be Stuck In Sex 2.0