If you have been following the celeb gossip news this week you will have seen a lot of stories about the supposed end of the 33 year marriage between Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne.
In Happier Times
Articles with headlines like this :
Sharon Osbourne opens up about split from Ozzy – CNN
Sharon Osbourne breaks silence after Ozzy split: – Irish Independent
And this …
Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne Reunite for World’s Most Uncomfortable Hug – People Magazine
Most tellingly this …
Sharon Osbourne not sure she’ll divorce Ozzy – San Jose Mercury News
In which she says that she is not sure what she wants, not sure whether it is the end of the relationship on not … etcetera.
Not really congruent words or sentiments coming from a woman who once said she would cut Ozzy’s dick off if he ever cheated on her and it is here that we get to the key point.
Our Sex 2.0 programming that we receive when we are growing up puts us in a quandary which leads us to paint ourselves into a corner in relationships and you don’t have to be married to a rock star to have this problem.
It affects all of us.
This post is not about a bit of celeb gossip. It about one of the peculiar problems that Sex 2.0 created and which Sex 3.0 solved.
The Problem That 2.0 Created
Fear + Control
If, in the picture below, we were painting ourselves into a corner in a relationship the ingredients on the tin of paint would be simple …. Fear + Control.
Our conventional 2.0 programming teaches us that, when you meet someone that you want to have a long term relationship with you need to establish a fenced relationship. In other words a relationship whereby you both agree to fence in your sexuality, and that of your partner, to exclusion of every other person on the entire planet.
An agreement which can only be broken on pain of death (or at least the death of the relationship).
The thing is, when fences are established, fences need to be patrolled.
Patrolling behaviour includes things like constantly asking your partner where they are are who they are with, trying to block them from talking with or hanging out with anyone you see as a threat – male or female, looking for tell-tale signs in the bathroom like hairs which are not yours or theirs and checking their text messages and emails – which is how Sharon found out.
This way of thinking teaches us to view love as something rare, something you have to be paranoid over (no pun intended … ok fuck it – pun intended), something to be scared of if and when it is withdrawn, something to chase after with fear in your heart if it is not ever present. In other words it teaches a scarcity mindset and it teaches fear of loss.
Psychology 101 : When people fear they seek control
Solving This Problem
So how do we solve this and stop painting ourselves into a corner over and over and over again. Often making the same unrealistic agreements about fencing in relationships on pain of death?
A steady never ending stream of serial monogamy and failed promises.
Well under 3.0 being skilled at unfenced relationships and how to do them is a key skill. Click here if you want to see some free videos on that.
But the basic answer is that, under Sex 3.0 we always have a choice of having either a fenced or an unfenced relationship and, in making that choice, we don’t put our own fears first . What we put first is how to keep the relationship, loving and mutually rewarding.
Love first, not fear.
Under 2.0 love is supposed to limit you because it is binded by fear.
Under 3.0 it doesn’t. It liberates you.
Fear is restrictive and love is expansive.
They are opposites.