Primae Noctis – The purported right to control

In the film Braveheart, the legal doctrine of Primae Noctis was presented. It was the alleged right of the noble (king, or his agent, as lord, squire, or esquire or other agent) to take the virginity (sexual power) of the newly married.


What we have today, in America, indeed in the world, is a rampant deluge of Primae Noctis . Our sexual power, desire, and natural instinct are locked in “normal” constructs, and this paradigm is finally breaking down.

I thought I was finished with the legal part of analyzation of life. HA! It’s all legalese and bullshit, and there are more hooks than one can imagine.

The INSTANT we are born, there is legal paperwork foisted upon us, in which it is damned near impossible to live without, because society says so! (I could chase so many rabbit holes here…)

What I am focusing on in this article, however, is adult relationships involving sexual power. Put any label you want out there, this applies to all of them.

First, the standard state setup for “marriage” (government required and controlled monogamy) is this:

“There are three parties to the marriage contract. The Husband, the Wife, and the State.” (Emphasis added – quoted from Ritchie v. White, 225 N.C. 450, 35 S.E.2d 414 (N.C. 10/10/1945)

Many states mirror the above law. I’m sparing you from the path through all of my legal research on this subject. It’s exhaustive, and I am trying to keep your attention on what matters:  Your relationships are not owned, not controlled by YOU. Your relationships are controlled by the State, SOCIETY, whatever you want to call it.

It’s really sick and twisted, when you look at the mechanics of licensed relationship and/or existence.

The key word, legally, is “ISSUE” (verb). Issue is a creation, in this context. A birth certificate is ISSUED at the same time a child is ISSUED from the loins of the parents. A driver license is ISSUED. A marriage license is ISSUED. A business license is ISSUED. And the ISSUER (creator) is the controller.

Seriously, society has some severe control “issues” over us.

Let’s look at the “legal” definition of “license.”

“The permission by competent authority to do an act which, without such permission, would be illegal, a trespass, a tort, or otherwise not allowable.” Black’s Law Dictionary, Sixth Edition

But if the State ISSUES a LICENSE, I can have sex with one other person, because I have permission.  Prima Nocte. They have taken my/our sexual power, and insisted that they alone are the purveyors of INTERCOURSE.

The irony in the above instance, is that the state is merely affirming our deepest desire for sexual interaction, but in a way that locks it into a three-way with the state. So our desire for sex is not wrong, it just needs to be controlled by the state, and to that, I call BULLSHIT.

The fact that monogamy and/or marriage restricts sex to just one union is bullshit as well. If sex is good, why limit it or control it, as long as the parties involved in the sexual union are not harmed?

Intercourse – while the common meaning is understood as sexual union, is also defined legally as “commerce.” And marriage is a business, because one has to pay for a license, and then perform under that license. Try to just walk away from a licensed marriage? HAHAHAHA. Not. There are as many horrific divorce stories as there are marriages. If you think getting fucked was what marriage is all about, try divorce…

This is a disturbing picture. Someone else controls EVERY part of our identities! Or, maybe it’s just as simple as a mental switch of saying “I own me.”

I have to caution those embarking on this path. The mind, the subconscious that has been programmed so successfully to act only when it is “normal” (read: socially acceptable, politically correct) is a beast to re-program. I’ve been on this journey for 9+ years of daily intense work in this field, and I feel my re-programming is nearly complete. Notice I said “nearly.”

So, how do we rid ourselves of the imposed right of others to control our decisions?

This is a simplified list of the rules I use on a daily basis. These rules work in a legal world, in a religious world, in a relationship world, and in any arena I have employed them in which I want to make my life simpler and free.

First: Know who you are. Anyone I’ve interacted with that is aware of this rule knows that the “who I am” answer is constantly being revised, tweaked, and improved. Yet, the first step in this process is knowing who you want to be.

Once you know who you want to be, and compare that with where you are (For instance: I am in socially programmed marriage, it isn’t working, and I want to be free-flowing in relationship) Then you have a path to follow. I constantly compare my subconsciously programmed choice (what I am working to delete), against my instinctual choice (what I really desire).

Second: Know who has the burden of proof. To determine who has the burden of proof, one merely needs to look at where the force is. Who is claiming (actually, or in your perception) that you are required to act a certain way?

There is a maxim of law that says “He who claims must prove.” In the american “justice” system, and I use that term sarcastically, there is a presumption that the plaintiff (“the claimant”) must prove his case. “Innocent until proven guilty,” as the saying goes. For one who is awake, this is a fatal flaw. Many times however, the defendant will try to prove their innocence, which instead digs a bigger hole for them than they would have had if they had just required the plaintiff to prove the guilt of the defendant.

This is where Rudyard Kipling’s six honest serving men come in handy: “I KEEP six honest serving-men (They taught me all I knew);Their names are What and Why and When, And How and Where and Who.”

Applying these variable questions to whatever control system vexes you has the most damning effect: Control systems cannot withstand questioning. I coach people on a daily basis of navigating through these systems, and often times, the most obvious questions are subconsciously avoided. And yet, when a control system is questioned, it’s purported logic has fallen in ruin every damn time I have experienced this, or helped others experience it.

Third: NEVER Argue. When we argue (read: feel the need to “prove” our point), we shift the burden of proof to our OWN shoulders. Watching one episode of COPS shows that when people are met with “authority”, there is a perceived and programmed need to start arguing their case ~ proving their innocence. It always goes terribly wrong. De-programming this one is a real bitch, but it must be done if one is to live free.

And then, there is our own subconscious, the programming, that we argue with. This has to cease. When it is questioned, instead of being presented with rationale (argument), the programming cannot withstand questioning. This is a basic, repeatable result when removing control systems – Control systems cannot withstand questioning. These same control systems, however, thrive when we argue. They are in control, and that’s the way it is, if you want to argue about it. But ask them a few questions? They implode…

Fourth: Document and/or know your remedy. This simply means investigate everything that you interact with, find out how it works and the mechanics of the construct(s) that are in your life. Then, find out where the release switches are. This is a field of much work, and requires individual discovery on every control system that purports to keep you from living freely.

If you are working through relationship constructs, document everything that helps you work through the questions presented under rule #2 above. Then analyze it. See where the fault lines are, See where the blatant crevices are, and there’s your remedy. All you have to do is point it out for your subconscious enough times that your subconscious becomes re-programmed to avoid forcing your choice.

For instance: “I shouldn’t flirt with them because my significant other will be jealous.”

Here is a practical (but not thorough) work-through on this:

  • Why would they be jealous, unless there was a need for control of you?
  • Why is flirting with someone that you are attracted to harming someone?
  • Why is a current relationship controlling, instead of allowing the expression of your desires?

Happy 2013.

Set yourself free.


Jay and his wife (parents of five children together) are the authors of Gourmet – Love Without Labels and they are working on another book to be released this year – The Mantra Of Love. Jay can be reached via his blog here.